1.11.2012

AN EDUCATED GUEST: ITUNES TOP TEN TALE

readers, i'd like to share with you a unique and very personal story. this particular one i'm about to tell you happened a few years ago, near a place i like to call rack city. my buddy calvin and i were taking a much-needed vacation--the past few weeks spent working late and eating fourth meals at the bell had wreaked absolute havoc on my psyche as well as my digestive system, and it was time to let loose.

calvin and i decided to grab apps at a local vegan cafĂ©. i had a good feeling once our waitress, Genevra, confirmed that my gluten-free dairy-free cheese boats were indeed half price that night.

"crazy weather today," i muttered. my cheese boat was leaving me more than a little seasick.
calvin looked up at me with his sexy-and-i-know-it-look and replied, "it will rain."

gah, what is it with him these days?? after he spent ten days with his ni**as in paris, he'd been so sassy and uncooperative. just yesterday he applied so much cologne before stepping out that i was convinced he'd set fire to the rain and leave elderly ladies hacking in his toxic wake.

in any case, as we locked eyes across our half price vegan cheese skiffs, i decided enough was enough.

"what're we doing here, man?"
"indulging, what do you think?"
"no, we're not! that's my point exactly. we shouldn't be sharing a platter of dairy-free apps! we should be at a swanky place with a woman-- a woman with an ironic tumblr or a vintage set of louis vuitton luggage!"

what did we have to lose? we were young, wild & free.

calvin stared at me-- his jaw agape like jacob marley's ghost. "you're absolutely right, howie. i need to sail away on this vegan boat of substitute goat cheese and find such a babe." he stood up so fast his chair clattered to the floor behind him. "i won't give up, howie." and with that he was gone-- vanished into a cloud of cologne and high hopes.

so there i was. calvin's words echoing in my ears and more than two-thirds a plate of cheese boats at my disposal. but fate had already determined that those little vessels were never intended to dock in my belly.

i made my way down the street to the laugh barn (i was in the mood for some comedy) and it was there i saw her. in short, she noticed my vintage fleur di lis cufflinks, i complimented her 100 watt smile, and before you knew it, we were making sweet homemade flan in the kitchenette of a hotel in the heart of downtown.

she wasn't about to be the one that got away.

and as it turns out, Calvin had become equally enamored with a different lady at a salsa club. he had charmed her with his quick feet, quicker wit and vast knowledge of contemporary modern furniture.

i realize not all these kinds of situations end up as successful as ours, but it goes without saying-- we found love.

- HOWIE DEWITT

2 comments:

Sarah Ann said...

Mmmkay. This is FANTASTIC.
Bravo.

It reminds me of that game that people make you play at wedding showers? With the candy bars? Know that one? It's lame, but I'm good at it. Easy to make dirty jokes.

hahaha.

reverie

LITTLE CHIEF said...

we are so glad you get our humor. you have no idea.

as for the wedding shower game, dirty jokes are a must.